The Adventures of Carrotchan
by myrrh fae
Summary: Starring adorable Carrot and perverted Zaha, with much groping and smirking.


Disclaimer:  I am poor.  So do not sue me.

Warning:  Yaoi.  But I can't write lemons.  Also a few bad words.

The Adventures of Carrot-chan Chapter 1 

            In a world where there is no carotene for the eyes and only eye drops for them, a storm waged outside.  Outside the really, really cold castle.  

A figure stood imposing next to the fireplace.  Not really, really close, but close enough for the warmth to spread to his sodding cold feet.  Damn it, he was cold.  And he hated it. He was also horny, but we won't discuss that.

His minions crouched shivering with fright or cold, we'll never know.  But they were crouching and kneeling and doing minion-y stuff.  But most of all, praying to all of the gods out there to save their hides from a flaying from their master.  Random streams of thoughts that contained the words "shit"; "oh god"; "fuck"; and "we really screwed up" flew through their minds.

The figure whose name was Zaha Torte, weird name, was disappointed.  Very disappointed and very furious.  Not only is this a bad thing, but also it is very hazardous to anyone's health.  And because of this, he was also screaming bloody murder and other miscellaneous threats at his incompetent minions.

"—just a goddamn simple summoning spell!  How the hell can you screw that up?!  Oh my god!  I should just fire the lot of you—"

"But you never pay us!" protested a kneeling figure who we now know has a death wish.

"Shut up!!!  I am _bleeping_ tired of you lot and I will kill all of you if only it weren't that hard to find minions in the first place!  But I can still torture you !!!" and with a flourish he screamed a spell.

A spell that bound them to the floor.  A spell that brought forth a black box with weird antenna.  A spell that flickered the box to life and whereupon it's smooth surface came pictures.  Pictures of a certainly extinct, constipated, grumpy, purple and yellow-dotted dinosaur whose name was—

"Barney!!!  Aaauuuuggghhh!!!!"

And thereupon their minds turned into mush.  Slobber immediately dripped from their mouths and their eyes glazed in pain.  Their bodies tensed in a natural defensive way.  And they were in hell.

Zaha smirked but was very careful not to look at the black box.  He was never certain how he got that box but he was sure it also came from that mysterious shop that always disappeared when you came back to complain.  He also got a nifty paper fan as a gift, to bop people on the head, from the man who was in the mysterious shop.  But for some reason the man was sweating.  Why was he sweating?  It wasn't as if Zaha was intending to use the big-as-hell sword on him, was he?  Then again, he was waving it vaguely at the man.  Oh, well.

  He turned his back on the whole lot of them and stalked outside the library.  He stalked through the place and schemed.  He wasn't sure if the summoning spell actually worked, but he believed that it didn't.  And because he did believe it was true, then it was certainly true in the sense of reality.  His reality, anyway.

Now he wasn't sure what to do with the…problem.  The summoning spell had actually summoned something for him, but it was the wrong thing.  Was it?  Or was it a trick?  Or not?  After all, they did say that appearances were deceiving—

"Z-chaaaan!!!  Dammit, where are you?!"

Or not.

He scowled.  His glare of death increased ten notches.  His posture was even more rigid than before.  His aura practically radiated danger to the ignorant child.

Which was ignored.  Dammit.

He had a very bad night.  He was really, really pissed off.  And this…this child!

He opened his mouth for another tirade when—

Glomp.

"Aaaaarrrrrggghhh!!!"

~~~

In another part of Spoolner in the Church, Milphey glanced around. 

"What's wrong, Mille?"

"I could have sworn I heard someone scream.  But…it's probably nothing, Mother.  Nothing for you to worry about."

"Alright, then.  But please finish your tea, dear."

Mille winced.

~~~

Zaha was trying really, really hard.  Absolutely hard.  He was known throughout Spoolner as the Sorcerer with the most evil deeds and dastardly plots that showed his hard work.  Which unfortunately failed.  But never mind.

He was trying very hard not to scream at the child that was clinging at him.  The child's grip could have rivaled that idiot blonde's.  God, he hated blondes.  Especially ones named Gateau.  Grrr.

  Soulful brown eyes peered up at him.  Spiky black hair and pale skin adorned the child.  And the child was shivering.

"Z-chan, I'm huuuunngggrrryyy!!!"

Grrr.

~~~

Carrot-chan, the dear little one, was having a grand old time.  He wasn't sure exactly why he was here, in all of the places in Spoolner, but he was having a lot of fun.  Actually, he wasn't sure of a lot of things, but never mind that.  He never did ponder on the dark side of things.  That was for…for…someone else.

He, on the other hand, liked the very bright things of life.  Like, food.  And presents.  But most of all, toys.  For example, his favorite toy was stomping around in a hussy fit.    He grinned at this.  He did love his toys, after all.

            ~~~

            Nate de Coco was researching feverishly through her tomes.  She was sure that they had done the spell right.  Apparently there might have been a glitch.  Considering what they had managed to pull out of the…the other one.

            Geez.  It was scary to even think about it.  I mean, to realize that…Oh god.

            Anyway, she was flipping the pages like crazy.  She after all wanted Lord Zaha's praise.  She also wanted the child gone.  Hmph.  The child was an absolute terror.  After her punishment, she had gone to the kitchens to see Zaha furiously feeding the child.  And the child was grinning!

            What's more, the child even wanted Lord Zaha to sleep with him to chase away the baaaad monsters!?  Gawd.  She would kill the brat later on, for taking his attention from her.

            Time to work, she reminded herself.  She moved on from Summong Spell:  Procedure to Summoning Spell:  Glitches.

            ~~~

            Zaha was trying to repress the urge to…cuddle.  He did not cuddle.  The man closest to God did not cuddle.  It was cute.  And he didn't do cute.  But there was still the…urge.

            He sighed and he wrapped his arms around the child.  Dammit, he gave in again!  Fortunately nobody was around to see him…cuddle…*Shiver*.

            Goddamn it!  He was still pissed off.  He was really angry—

            Oooh.  The child had wrapped his legs around him.  

            " My teddy bear." whispered the child, sleepily.

            'Shit!'  Now not only was Zaha angry, he was also very, very guilty.  He wasn't guilty often.  It was in his nature.  In fact he did a lot of bad things, but now…Well, _bleep._

And this weird feeling of anger and guilt was also very weird.  Damn it.

            ~~~

            Carrot-chan nuzzled his favorite toy.  Ah, this was the life.  And before he finally went to sleep, he briefly wondered why he couldn't remember anything about his past.  But his favorite toy might know and he can ask him tomorrow.  After all, his toy was very smart.

            He smirked and drifted off to dreamland.

            ~~~

            _The Summoning Spell_

_                        A spell designed to bring to the summoner an object that the summoner has longed for greatly.  In most cases, a brief study of alternate universes and dimensions might be appropriate before attempting the spell.  Do not attempt at all, if the summoner is not powerful enough._

_            Materials:_

_                        Objects having something to do with the object being summoned, chalk, fancy witching stuff, a very comfortable floor, and just generally a lot of magic and power._

_            Procedure:_

_                        Step 1:  Draw on the floor with the chalk.  Draw the words: "__bring forth the object that i desire, you miserable fools." Draw the circles of planetary trash and other things._

            ~~~

            Shit.  The author of the book was an utter bastard.  Definitely.  _Bleep._  Argh!  Nate would never know what went wrong since the writer's words were vague and just…just so uncaring.  It was as if the author didn't even care what happened to the spell that you were attempting!  This was just so frustrating. 

            Oh, god!  She hoped that the stress wouldn't damage her face.  Or her body, for that matter.

            ~~~

            Mille was worried.  He could have sworn someone screamed but his ears were _screaming_ at him that they hadn't heard anything.  Not only that, if he told Mother, she would go ballistic and send them all on another fool's errand.

            Why just last week, she had them searching for someone named Carrot!  She was definitely going bonkers.  I mean, they had searched high and low, but there was no Carrot!  Sometimes he worried about her.  Of course, their was that small chance that they had missed Carrot, but they were the Haz Knights!  Besides, who would name their kid Carrot?  The only other person, that he knew, that would name their kid like that, would be Onion.  But he had only one kid whose name was Marron…

            Anyway, he guessed he couldn't really blame Mother.  Especially when Zaha was still out there scheming their entire demise, as it were.  It probably took the toll on her or something.  Hey…maybe she needed…Nah.  That would be too freaky.  He never did like pondering Mother's love life. 

Besides, that he got this really freaky feeling that he was missing something.  Oh hell.  He was definitely going to get drunk later on.

~~~

Carrot-chan was dreaming.  He was dreaming of cream puffs and chocolate muffins.  Mmm.  He loved food.  He wished his toy was here to eat with him.

He unconsciously pouted.  He also unconsciously tightened his grip on his toy.

~~~

Zaha gasped.  The boy was too close.   Too close.  Shit.  _Remember Zaha.  Do not cuddle.  Do not hug back._  His arms curled even more.  Argh.

He looked up at the grandfather clock at the far wall.  2:34.  He really should be sleeping right now.  Then something flickered in his tired mind.  Oh.

The boy's name.  He forgot to ask…

Somehow, he was disappointed.  He didn't know why.

~~~

  Author's note:  Remember, that weird chanting in the Summoning part?  Try and see if you can guess what it means!  I'm sooo stupid.

I know Carrot's a little out of character, but you will see him become a little bit of himself later on.  Hehehe.  I simply love Carrot.  

Please review!


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